Effects of Depression

There are a rare few who when depressed, their eating habits don’t seem to be affected, only their activity, energy, or mood levels. Typically though, depression can lead to emotional eating, binges, constant snacking, and seeking refuge in comfort foods. Not so much for me. When I get depressed, my appetite and interest in food vanishes into thin air.

I’d already begun eating significantly less since Thursday of last week. Friday I think I only had 2 pieces of pizza and water. Saturday I made myself take breakfast lunch and dinner, but by the end of the day, I had eaten only:

• 1 egg
• 1 piece toast w/ butter
• 1 bite of bacon
• 1/2 small coffee
• small orange juice
• half a cup of chili
• 3-4 small bites of a chicken sandwich
• 3 pieces of broccoli

And that was FORCING myself to eat. Sunday I felt a little better and I had:

• 3-4 bites hashbrowns w/ ketchup
• 1/2 a Belgian waffle w/ butter and syrup
• 1 small coffee
• 1 small orange juice
• 1 small hot chocolate
• 1/2 chicken fajita rollup

But on Monday, I only had the other half of the chicken fajita rollup.  That’s it.

Tuesday, recognizing that I’m probably dipping back into depression and my nerves are getting the better of me and making physically ill despite my common sense and good judgement, I put myself back on Lexapro. Let me tell you, if my appetite and interest for food was already at zero, this took me into negative numbers: the idea or scent of food now repulses me, and I can’t even *feel* how hungry or starving I am, I can only hear when my stomach very audibly roars. To actually put food in my mouth is a forced and labored chore.

I only managed to eat 2-1/2 chicken nuggets yesterday, and a friend tried to ply me with curly fries (but I ate only 1) and had a few sips of soda.  Again, that was my whole day’s intake.

I woke up this morning to find that in less than a week, I have lost 5 lbs with this starvation brought on by depression and nerves. I can’t go on like this. I have absolutely no energy or interest in any activity. I’m beginning to shake, my body is sore and achy from being tense, and I only want to sleep.

This can’t go on, so today I packed water, rice crisps, gatorade, a small yogurt, and a muffin to get some higher calories in me. By 1pm, I’d only made it through 1/2 the muffin and 1/3 of the gatorade.

I’m looking forward to getting fully readjusted to my anti-depressant by the end of today or tomorrow morning and having a normal appetite… and losing weight in a more healthy way.

 

small steps in the right direction

Weighed myself this morning. In about a week I have lost 3 lbs. I know it isn’t much, really, but I have proof that something IS working!! Now, to be completely honest (Rose and I promised full disclosure here) I haven’t been exercising at all. Yes, I have been more active simply by being out more and walking around, but the biggest change has been my eating. By just that small – simple really – change, I have lost 3 lbs in about a week. Now, when I get back home and start really going back to the gym, it will be that much easier to start seeing real results.

I would love to have a digital bathroom scale. My husband hates them…says you should go by the way your clothes fit. Okay, yes, that is a good way to gauge your weight loss as we all have a certain size goal in our heads…but…it’s the incremental change I want to see. These three pounds aren’t noticeable…but they are gone, none the less. If I hadn’t weighed myself, I’d have thought I hadn’t lost anything and probably would have gotten discouraged. But today finds me with renewed determination.

Think I’ll celebrate with a salad.

*grin*

 

When Eating Bad Does a Body Good

1 Lg. Orange juice (250)
2 Hashbrowns (150 cal. each)
1 Egg McMuffin (300 cal)
1 Cinnamon Melts Dessert (460 cal)

1300 calories

This was my breakfast yesterday.

Here is my accountability: I don’t want to just post my “oh look, I’m being so good!” food log days, and I don’t want to seem like I’m flaunting my tiny foibles when I decide to have an extra serving of something or when I have a candy bar here and there. This was an all out bad breakfast that normally I would want to sweep under the rug and prefer to have no one notice.

So why’d I do it? Because quite frankly, sometimes it pays to be bad.

The weirdest logic was that my stomach had been upset all day previous, and that morning I wasn’t able to keep my cardboa- I mean, yummy fiber cereal down. (The gag reflex I get when eating that stuff on a normal day is tough enough to beat to begin with.) But for some reason my body craved something heavy and totally, horribly bad for itself in a way that convinced my brain I’d actually feel better after eating it.

On top of that, I have been really, really stressed out lately. I am definitely considering this as one of my “I don’t give a f*@# right now” emotional binges. Does it excuse it? No. But am I going to get further ahead by accepting that it happened and acknowledging it for what it is than denying it? Absolutely.

The other part of this was I was determined to not go another day skipping breakfast. Fine. I could have ordered WAY less. I could have lived without the Cinnamon Melts dessert (I didn’t even know they existed until the nice girl taking my order brought them to my attention); I could have done without the second hashbrown (my absolute fave McD breakfast item); and I could have totally just gone for a small orange juice. If I had done all that, I would have saved myself a whopping 720 calories. But instead, I ate 300 cal in excess of an entire days worth of caloric intake.

Remember that weird logic I had before? The strangest part of this all was that I think it worked. You read correctly. Usually eating at McD’s when I’m feeling fine makes me feel horrible for the rest of the day not 5 minutes later after finishing a meal. But this time, I felt better.

Here’s my theory: I think it’s possible that my stomach bug was not really a bug but possibly my anxiety manifesting itself and tying itself up into insane knots. When I finally stopped caring about everything that was going on, listened to  my body, and said, “You know what, I’m stressed, and I’m going to let myself have something I want without worry,” and allowed myself to let go of all my anxieties, food and emotional, I think the knots untied themselves.

In no way am I saying that it’s totally ok to binge like this EVERYTIME you feel like it. I am saying that, just like everything else, moderation is key. I was fully aware of my breakfast yesterday morning, and as a result, I intended to keep the rest of my day with food at a minimum. But I didn’t even have to think about it: my body knew it had gotten more than it’s daily allowance, and I never once throughout the rest of the day became remotely hungry or had an appetite for anything. So it all worked itself out.

This morning, my stomach, while feeling a little light, is feeling much better, and so is my mood. Today, while I didn’t manage a breakfast right when I should have, I did have:

a juice pack (100 cal)
a large apple for a snack (110 cal)
and a chicken Lean Cuisine for Lunch (280 cal)

It just goes to show that the world (or you) does not need to fall apart when binges occur. We can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and pick up our good behavior right where we left off.

 

A Few Notes

Good morning everyone!

This morning got off to an awkward start and I wound up neglecting breakfast (for shame! for shame!) I could have stopped by MickeyD’s or somewhere… but I didn’t. I could have grabbed a 400+ cal muffin at the store bakery, but I didn’t. (Kudos to me!) As soon as story time was over, though it wasn’t the most nutritional breakfast, it was low cal at least…

Breakfast:
-1 serving (15 crackers) of cheese crackers (150 cal)
-1 juice pouch (100 cal)
-1 Fiber One Oats & Chocolate cereal bar (140 cal)

Like I said, the only saving grace of this breakfast was the relatively low calorie count. (Although I have got to say, that counting out the 15 crackers… heavens to Betsy, that is a puny portion that packs on the calories!!! For future reference, they’re not worth it!) Overall, my belated morning meal had too much carbs and sugar, but at least included some fiber. What I could have done was grabbed a banana or another fruit at the store and had that with my cereal bar. But the day is not ruined.

I am constantly on the go, and I tend to rush through my mornings. And I suppose that if I planned ahead, I could set aside time to make myself a lunch, but that’s just not what happens most of the time, so I have to make sure I have quick things to grab. So today I grabbed for lunch:

Lunch:
- Lean Cuisine Chicken Fried Rice (280 cal)
- 1 Light & Fit Dannon strawberry yogurt (60 cal)

So by the time I get to my lunch, I should be to a count of 730 calories. I’m thinking I’ll have a salad (50 cal) for dinner with Balsamic vinegarette (100 cal) and maybe a small bowl of home made chili… (I’ll have to figure that one out, but it’s home made and healthy!) and I’ll have to be sure to eat it before 7:30!

 

Getting a little easier…

Food log for 16 Jan 09

BREAKFAST:

yogurt – 100 cal

fiber crackers – 120 cal

tea

vitamin

ginger pills (going whale watching today…trying to avoid any sea-sickness)

 

LUNCH:

fiber crackers – 120 cal

1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese – 90 cal

1 sliced apple

ice water

 

DINNER:

1 1/2 cups vegetable soup w/ meatballs

3 slices bread w/ butter (yikes!!)

1 small glass of wine

ice water

 

Day two…I can do this…really

Okay here I am bright and early this gorgeous morning. Already snacking on my breakfast, but I’m thinking that since I’ll most likely be blogging in the mornings, I should post yesterday’s food log…to avoid confusion and complication.

I already posted yesterday’s breakfast, so on to lunch:

LUNCH:

1/2 pastrami sandwich (one slice of bread and 5 pieces of pastrami–package lists 7 as serving size and 60 calories)

approx 1 cup Gardineria (according to Weight Watchers’ point system this is zero points…yay!)

ice water

DINNER: (Tutti’s)

ordered off the ’small plate’ menu

6 small goat cheese crostini on a bed of sauteed spinach

1 glass of wine

3/4 dish of creme brulee (Yeah, I really shouldn’t have…at least I didn’t finish it)

ACTIVITY:

Took Cota for a long walk in the neighborhood. It was a gorgeous day with the Santa Ana winds blowing. Also went to the gun range…not very strenuous, but it sure got my heart going!

 

Back again…more determined than ever

Here I am, Rose!

Hello all. After quite a stress-filled year I am back, not in better shape…perhaps worse. I am officially at my highest weight and I am none too pleased about it. At a recent doctor’s appointment, fully clothed, I weighed in at 204lbs. I can’t believe it…and, then again, I can. I allowed myself to fall into a self destructive pattern of inactivity and stress-eating. No more, I declare! I have the skills and know-how to make the change, and I have done it in the past. I just need to implement my knowledge. Starting here and now.

My goal weight is in the area of 135-140. That is what I weighed in high school and I know that I can get there. I am giving myself a time frame of a year and a half (as that is the time from now to the end of my husband’s deployment.) I will be in perfect shape and at my goal when I welcome him home.

Now, without further ado, my food log for today (it is only breakfast, I will add the rest in later on this evening)

Breakfast:

1 Yopliat Low-Fat Thick and Creamy yogurt (100 cal)

1 2-pack Metamucil Fiber Wafers (120 cal)

Vanilla Ceylon hot tea

1 prenatal multi vitamin

(as for my lunch, I’m planning on some low fat cottage cheese, a cut up apple and another fiber cracker, along with a big glass of ice water.)

 

Wow! We’re back again!

So after dropping off the face of the earth for the better part of the year, at least one of us is back! Wisp should be joining us shortly.

Of course, much has changed, in some respects, drastically! But for the better. About the same time this blog left off, I was in the process of moving with my SO to our new house. My weight went up to no more than 120, and my lowest weight after getting settled was 113. Now, after the holidays, I’m sitting at 116. Time to get those last 10-15lbs off!!!

While my eating habits are a little out of whack/inconsistent, for the most part, I have kept my portions down. I have also not been to the gym since April, so the fact that I’ve managed to maintain my weight just based on food intake is a major accomplishment for me. I’m no longer very close to a gym, so I really have to be motivated to come up with my own thing. One thing that has helped is that I’m rarely bored anymore… what with a big house to keep clean and being in grad school… Eating and food is no longer the first thing I think of.

One thing I have to really reign in though is my sugar intake – especially with the holidays, this got really insane. I also have to become mindful again of drinking enough water to stay hydrated and to be able to digest food… and I am getting back to including more fiber in my diet.

Let’s just dive in and get started with the food journals. Things scratched out are things I ate, but could have done without.

Breakfast:
1 glass of water
1 multi-vitamin
2 vitamin E capsules
1/3 cup original Fiber One cereal (think rabbit pellets!)
1/2 cup Fiber One Caramel Delight cereal
1/2 cup skim milk

Lunch:
2 cups homemade meat chili with ground beef, kidney beans, onions, tomatoes and seasonings (no cheese!)
1 mini york peppermint patty

Snack (throughout the day):
1 small chocolate candy (a generic about the size of my pinky)
2 nilla wafers
1 juice pack
1 cup kettle cooked potato chips
(Too much sugar!!!)

Dinner:
1 bowl field greens salad
2 tbsp Balsamic Vinegarette Dressing
1 6oz glass of non-fat chocolate milk

The day is not yet over, but it is after 7:30, so I need to do my best not to eat anything else tonight. I also need to catch up on my water quota.

 

HFR – Full Circle Chocolate Soymilk

Welcome to my first Healthy Food Review!

One of the things I have a bit of a problem with is milk. I like milk. In fact, one of my favorite, go-hog-wild indulgences is Oreos with 2% milk. But being a little lactose intolerant with a bit of a milk allergy to boot, milk does not love me so much. Dairy in my diet makes me bloat, any amount over 8oz of milk (even skim!) or real ice cream makes my stomach sick, and my nose is constantly runny.

So generally my daily limit is 1/2 cup of skim with cereal (start the runny nose!) and maybe a slice of cheese on a sandwich or burger later in the day. If I want ice cream, I just have to deal with the bloat and gas. Pleasant picture, isn’t it? I didn’t think so.

As a result, calcium supplements are important to me, frozen yogurts are pretty good (frozen custard is even better!) but what to do when a girl wants her cereal or a comforting smooth beverage? Thank heaven’s for soy.

I’ve tried a number of different soy milks in the past, but because it’s been a while, I can’t really tell you a whole lot about the other brands I’ve tried, other than I remember I wasn’t too keen on drinking it as a stand alone, but the plain or vanilla ones were great for cereal – especially the healthier cereals that had less sugar. The more natural sweetness of the soy milks would prevent me from adding sugar to sweeten my breakfast when otherwise with milk I’d need to put it in if I was going to even remotely enjoy a bran or fiber cereal.

But this review is especially on Full Circle’s Chocolate flavored Soy Milk.

Full Circle
Chocolate * Enriched * Lactose Free *
Soymilk

Ok. Let’s weigh in on this. I’m a little bummed on a couple things:

• First, that the size available is only 32oz, or 4 total 1 cup (8oz) servings. That’s it?! I’ll admit, I’m a little spoiled on the gallon or carton sizes, but hey.
• Secondly, it’s 140 calories per one 8oz serving. But this larger calorie count per serving I’ve found to be pretty standard among the soymilks… I think I have seen higher calorie counts, so at least this one isn’t too bad.

In the neutral zone…

• Sugar’s at 19g… but honestly, being chocolate flavored, I’m not sure how this sugar count stacks up to other brands, or soymilks in general, so I’m going to put this observation off to the side.

BUT – there are a number of positive things! Including:

• The obvious: it’s chocolate flavored!
• 2g dietary fiber
• 7g of protein!!! Hooray!
• Easy-to-read (and a short list of) ingredients. Except for “carrageenan.” That’s a new one. But I can deal with 1 unpronounceable unknown. I’ll look it up later.
• Lactose Free - yay! I won’t feel bloated!
• Creamy texture
• Pretty good as stand alone beverage – let’s face it, it’s not a glass of Nestle Quik (yum yum!) but it’s not bad at all if you wanted a cup to drink as a treat!
• AWESOME for using as a base for shakes or powdered protein mixes! By the way, mixing 1 cup of Full Circle Chocolate Soymilk with 1 scoop Metabolic Reset (to be reviewed later) = an incredibly yummy shake that tastes as chocolaty as brownie batter!!! AND IT’S GOOD FOR YOU! Talk about a feel-good craving buster!

Overall Rating? Full Circle’s Chocolate Soymilk is a definite repeat for me!

 

Freedom to Eat

I am back to calorie counting, a.k.a.: eating a lot less. The past 5 days I’ve been doing really well especially, and I feel like I’ve finally gotten the hang of this. FINALLY!

I believe my success has come from not only learning some things about myself… but accepting and embracing those things about myself. The first thing that helped was not only allowing myself to have designated food “territories” at home, but having those territories respected. I have also figured out (and accepted) that the “Cheat Day” once a week DOES NOT work for me.

A “Cheat Day” is where you still eat in moderation, but you get to eat whatever you want… you can have ice cream, or a chocolate bar, or whatever it is that you’ve had to deny yourself all week. And you know what? I can’t stand it.

If someone tells me no, or some restriction comes up, it turns into FFS – Forbidden Fruit Syndrome – and it becomes that much more difficult for me to resist because now I’m thinking about it all the time and I wind up setting myself up for failure. So that once a week crap doesn’t work for me. I’m sure it works for some people, and I can see where the psychology of it could work… but it’s not for me.

Once a week “Cheat Days” also made me feel like my own territories were off limits. That was incredibly frustrating! I finally embraced my territorial nature, and now I’m being denied that which I was good enough to save and stow away? I feel like I’m indirectly being punished. I suppose you could try to reason with me by saying “but you know your treats will still be waiting for you on Cheat day,” but that won’t make me feel any better when I’ve had a really crappy day at work and need a tiny, moderate boost.

You could even try to lecture me about willpower. But I don’t know that I’d really agree with you about how much willpower a person has just because they’re following rules that someone else came up with. What about self-moderation and self-discipline and learning to really listen to your own body?

So I’ve officially ditched the “Cheat Day,” and I’ve found it’s really been working out in my favor. I’ve been paying attention and even though I allow myself a treat whenever I want, I’ve found that “whenever” hasn’t translated into multiple treats a day, or one treat every day, or even every couple of days for that matter. And when I have a treat, I don’t need or eat as much, and I don’t feel guilty about it, either.

The other thing I’ve ditched? Making myself stop and eat (or snack) every 2-3 hours. I know there’s a lot of arguments out there about keeping one’s metabolism up, but my day to day schedules change a lot and there are rarely any regular times. Having to keep an eye on the clock and keeping track of some other type of schedule is just more stress. Not to mention, it’s much harder to keep the calorie counts down… and calorie counts make A LOT of sense to me.

Now that I’m not having to stop for another snack break, I’m also getting a lot of other things done at work and at home. My anxiety with food has decreased even more and I’m feeling a lot more pride in myself because now I really feel like the choice to pass on something is totally up to me and what my body needs instead of trying to follow someone else’s suggested rules.

Basically what it boils down to is not only is everybody different, but so is every body. And what tips and tricks work for one person may not work as well for another. I’m willing to try different things, but I’m ultimately learning what works for me and what doesn’t, and most importantly, I’m learning to listen to my own body, not what other people’s bodies are telling them.